||[Apr. 16th, 2007|12:45 pm]
i hate the realization of my mistakes. & the fact that i thought i had this oh so under control. & the fact that i was convinced that i wasn't making a dumb freshman mistake, the fact that i thought i could trust someone that i barely knew. & what i hate the most is that i didn't see this coming. at this point i just want closure. i just want to say what i need to say, but i get the feeling that i wil never be able to. which is so hard because i know that this will never be right, but i still wish i could do something, & you will always have these perceptions of me that are totally & completely wrong.|
& even though you're not involved, even though you're not around, you are more a part of this than you will ever know. because the dumb stupid mistakes that i made months ago were because of you. they were because you & i weren't together, because i missed you because i was convinced i needed you because... because i loved you more than you will EVER be able to appreciate. so in a desperate attempt to get over you, i did stupid things. so right now when i'm paying for the repercussions for these stupid things, that like i said you techincally had nothing to do with i keep thinking of you. because although physically you weren't there, you didn't tell me what to do, i did these things because of you. ironic.
anyways.. i just need this to end. i have dug myself into a very deep whole. thank God to the fact that certain people are graduating..... & thank God that there's only a few weeks left to the semester. i think it's best if i just stay away from that boy... so basically i only have to last a few more weeks. & then i can be away from this horrible mess that i've created.
i hate guilt.